Insightful Reminder from Ass-Face Boss

Holly cow it's a tough job market these days! I moved back to Victoria in January and took the first job offered - and though it does pay the rent, I would rather be working elsewhere.

Have been sending out resumes for months, and only had a few nibbles - one for which I was not really qualified, and another which I landed.

Started my new job last week, part time, and was so incredibly excited. It was in a little hot spot downtown Victoria. The food is excellent, the staff is a wonderful mix of creative, happy individuals - my first shift was so fun and I was thrilled to have been hired. Sooooo excited!

Until my second shift...

But let's back up a little first for full impact.

I have been searching for months to improve my job situation to the point that I was beginning to wonder if my phone or email work at all, due to the lack of response to my resumes. Let's face it, I have a ton of experience. I was feeling as though I had become invisible.

But alas, I dropped off a resume downtown Victoria a couple of weeks ago, and the bartender who took my resume and promised to pass it along the the guy who does the hiring chatted with me for a bit.

He was such a nice guy. He wrote "Great" at the top of my resume and I literally wanted to lean over the bar and give him a big hug and kiss for doing that - I was certain that his input on my resume would result in an interview - which in fact it did.

I got a call for an interview two days later and at that point thought of sending a little something - a flower, chocolate bar, little gift certificate, some home mad cookies, any little thing, to the guy who had written "Great" on my resume. I had been searching for a new job for so long and was so grateful for this small act of kindness - really grateful (in fact I do believe I fought off a tear or two).

The interview did result in a job - or at least, a "let's try you out and see how you do..."

The first shift - ubber-fantastic! I just loved it and felt that it was a super skookum fit all the way around. Prior to the end of my first shift, my wonderful new co-workers asked when I would be working again, and I replied, that I would be working again the next morning.

Ooooh, they said, you'll be working with "Tom". He's the owner and he is a piece of work. Here is how you should respond to him if he asks you a question: "Yes", "No", or, "I don't know". He rides everyone hard in the beginning, they warned, but if I toughed it out he would eventually lay off and all would be well...

I went home and didn't worry about their warning too much. In my day I have put up with many a class A ass-wipe boss. This would be nothing new.

I arrived at work the following morning and learned how to set things up for the day. Again I was warned about "the boss". I shrugged off the warning and carried on. Another staff member arrived. She was new too having been there only two weeks. She was noticeably shaken when asked how things were going with "Tom".

Around 11:30, "Tom" showed up. My co-worker said to me, Morgana, this is Tom. He is the owner of the cafe.

I turned to greet "Tom", and stopped short.

No, I thought, this cannot be "Tom" the Nasty. This cannot be "Tom" the Terrible. This cannot be "Tom" that has all the staff rattled and wound up like little springs ready to sprooong...

This is the kindly bartender who wrote "Great" at the top of my resume. It is this very person's act of kindness that resulted in my interview... This is the person that I wanted to send a flower to, or a gift card, or a cookie to show my gratitude... This can not be "Tom".

But alas, it was true - "Tom" and the kindly bartender were one and the same...

And I thought to myself, the staff must be mad... How could the confuse this kindly person with "Tom" the terrible? How could this be so? And yet I could not ignore that the tension in the room had increased ten fold...

However, I carried on learning the ropes at my new job - and then, it happened. I stood witness as Tom berated and absolutely humiliated the other new girl in front of the rest of us. Then he started in on me.

I was to be hosting that shift, and as instructed the night before by the general manager, I was making a short list of the reservations for the day that I could carry in my pocket. Don't do that, Tom commanded, don't write anything down. I'll tell you what to do and when to do it.

I crumpled my note and scrunched it into my pocket.

The day moved on. The cafe started getting busy with hungry lunch-seekers. I carried on my duties hosting and seating. The patio filled and I began seating people inside. Suddenly Tom commanded that I start taking orders in the front section. I was taken aback a little - I had barely cracked a menu. Didn't know what went with what. Didn't even know what kind of salad dressings were available.

None the less, Tom insisted, actually bellowed, that I: Get Out There and Take All the Orders! Which I did. People asked for salads with their burgers. Well, I'd say, I know we have some kind of lemon dressing - would that work for you?

Everyone decided to have lemon dressing on their salad. Sometimes complete strangers can be so very kind...

I now had the orders for three tables. I went to ring them in, but had never worked on their system, so didn't know how to open a table. I looked from the order screen to Tom and told him I don't know how to start a table on this system. He rolled his eyes at me and told me to pick a number. Then he told me to key in the table number. I scanned the screen for the right buttons, but it did take a sec due to the fact that I had never seen the screen before.

What are you waiting for?! Tom bellowed. Not familiar with your screen, I retorted. He looked as me and said - I can't believe you don't know how to do this.

I wanted to enlighten him with the fact that it is the beginning of my second shift, but I remembered my co-workers warning: "Yes", "No", "I don't know".

I was feeling a little prickly by this point, but stifled the urge to stick my pen in Tom's eye, and was reminded by my urge to inflict pain on him that it's moments like these that reinforce the argument that forbids servers to carry guns. I smiled at Tom and said, I don't know, Tom.

The shift carried on. The other servers were stressed as Tom's spiny tongue sniped out rude comments about their abilities and actions. The other new girl looked like she was about to cry. Her lips were taunt, her hands shook noticeably. I felt so sad for her. She was likely a student and really needed this job and she was sucking up Tom's abusive treatment as best she could.

I busied myself on the patio where Tom couldn't see me, all the while thinking, geeze, this seemed like it was going to be such a great gig. You can wear your own clothes, even sandals - which are such a treat for the feet, the staff is super, the food, excellent... and then there's Tom.

Tom's behavior towards everyone grew more belligerent each moment, and I thought to myself - yeah, I could learn to put up with this ass-face idiot... but I don't have to, and why would I want to..?

My shift was over. I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door in a bit of a fog. I walked up the street, then back down. My thoughts were tumbling rapidly through my mind. On so many levels this could have been such a great gig - with one exception... and it was a big exception :o(

In the past I have had bosses who were difficult and made the work environment intolerable. There were some who sent me home in tears every night - and I had to keep those jobs. I was raising a kid alone and needed the money. At that time, I didn't feel that I had any choice.

But my kid is all raised up now - I don't have to put up with this man. The benefits of the job are too heavily weighted by the emotional cost. Sure, I could suck it up and let it roll off, but eventually... eventually I would become reactive. I do know this. I can be tough, but I am human, and if my income depends upon this job, I could be in quite a little bit of a pickle.

As I was wandering the street I bumped into my daughter. Literally. I bumped into someone, look up and saw the shining smile of my magnificent daughter. Ahhhh. I took my first real breath of air in hours.

Wide-eye, I reported to my daughter that mommy needs a drink. We crossed the street to a little pub. The server informed us that tequila was on special. I ordered two shooters. I don't actually drink tequila, nor do I do shooters, but at that moment it seemed like a really good idea.

The tequila shots arrived with slices of lime. I was uncertain of the order of operations for the tequila ritual, but I did know that at some point I'd have to suck on the lime and sprinkle salt on my hand, lick it.

I bit down on the lime and enjoyed the sour taste. My daughter inquired if maybe I should do this after the shot of tequila. I don't know, I told her. But I do know that I don't like tequila, so the lime feels like a good place to start.

I bit down on the lime again, poured salt on my hand, licked it off and shot back the tequila, and bit down on the lime again. Who really cares what the order should be - it seems to work for me. In seconds I felt the warm wash of the tequila melt the tension I had been stumbling around in all day.

I took another nice deep, cleansing breath and let it go. Whew, I was beginning to feel better, but holy doodle, I knew that I better not have another tequila.

I ordered a nice cool vodka tonie, drank it down and ordered another. Ahhhh - all was well. I felt completely calm, and acknowledged that that was enough of that.

I told my daughter the story of my new job, and concluded that though I would really like to work there, the emotional price tag was just too high. Unlike the past, I have choices now, and I choose not to put up with Tom. Life is too precious and I don't need to have negative experiences.

I quit that nasty job next day.

Now don't think that my experience with old "Tom" was all bad. It wasn't. Having been in and out of this industry for more than thirty years I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

I love this industry, always enjoy myself at work, make killer cash - in fact I have put myself through college and university, and raised a child waiting tables. Believe me, this was not my first encounter with a Tom. Tom is everywhere.

I wait tables because I like it. I call my job my paid social life. It's great fun. But as a former Behavioral Interventionist I also know a thing or two about what makes Tom and his kind tick. The Toms of the world are deeply troubled and rather than going through the pain of dealing with their crap, the opt instead to make others miserable, taking great pleasure in making, and watching, others squirm and suffer.

They are very immature in their psychological makeup - and they really have no idea how to cope or communicate effectively. And what I do know about them is that I can't change them. They are on their own trip, and if change is to occur it will come from somewhere deep inside themselves when they decide to heal.

Basically, their trip has nothing what so ever to do with me. It's not anything that I can change or influence - and further, it's not my job to do so. I can either be present or I can get the hell out of the way.

I have choices in life. We all do. We may not see them and it may seem that we don't have any - but we do.

If I had stayed at that job, I would have, on some level, been telling myself that I deserved to be treated poorly, and that I didn't have any choices - neither of which is true.

However, by knowing that I deserve to be treated well, and taking myself out of the way of Tom's wrath, I empower myself and make way for other doors and opportunities to slide my way.

I almost want to thank Tom for that insightful reminder - but he doesn't really deserve it, so I won't.

I'm sure glad I didn't bake him any cookies though ;o)

Twitter Garden

Busy day - on the go since 6: AM. Fighting a cold and exhausted so took a little nap at five PM. Had a great dream that all my Twitter followers came over to help me design my courtyard garden in the back yard.

Holy cow, what an insightful bunch! Just wondering if the guy with the dark hair, blue shirt, and shovel could DM me - loved your idea about the paving stones and statue! I would never have considered a statue in such a small space. Really like to discuss it further.

... gotta love Twitter. Even dream Twitter is great :o)

"Rachel Getting Married" - OUTSTANDING Movie!

I love movies. Aside from reading, it's my favorite pastime. Last night, too tired to do anything else, I picked up Rachel Getting Married.

Now this is not a movie that would normally catch my attention. I tend to like films that are a little different, a little off the beaten path, and this movie, with Anne Hathaway, did not appear to be anything that I would enjoy all that much. Having watched a few films featuring Hathaway in the past, I was pretty sure it would not be worth a watch - just not my cup of tea. But, being over tired, indecisive, and just wanting something to veg in front of, I grabbed it, expecting it to deliver some predictable, light fluff.

However, this film knocked my socks off! To say that the work was brilliant would simply not give this film the credit it deserves.

The story and plot are clear cut and simple. Nothing fancy going on here. No smoke and mirrors, no special effects, just a right solid drama that relies on the complexity of the family dynamic to drive it along.

Stylistically, the filming is simple and engaging, capturing a sense of reality that makes you feel like you are right there witnessing the drama unfold. It is intimate, slow moving, and utterly seductive. The smoking gun makes its appearance early and is weaved beautifully through the story line, its details revealed in a gut wrenching, heart numbing shock that bangs home the depth of emotional anguish gripping each family member. The simplicity of its unraveling - superb.

As this film trudges on through its dirty little secrets, the character development is solid and absolutely outstanding from all characters and points of view. Each actor effortlessly revealing a complex, believable character, and in my limited opinion of Hathaway, it's the first time that we are given the absolute privilege of seeing her true potential as an actor (a delicious point of departure I must say!). Though I am a fan of Kate Winslet, I must admit that it is a darned shame that it was Winslet and not Hathaway that snagged the Oscar for best actress in a leading roll this year...

This movie is powerful, simply outstanding, and outstandingly simple. At it's conclusion all you can think is: WOW - what a ride! Rachel Getting Married is not so much entertainment, as we might usually define it, as it is an experience, and though it's a rather unpleasant experience, it's none the less breathtaking. It's the kind of movie that rocks you to the core and that you just can't stop thinking about.

Rachel Getting Married: Worth a watch a dozen times. Simple. Brilliant. Superb.

Unique or..?

A few years ago my fella and I went our separate ways. And you know how you feel when a relationship ends - a little lost, a little insignificant, a little like you just don't fit, and that no one gets you... and in a moment of boredom I decided to check out an online dating site. It was a really big dating site and at the time boasted a membership of about 8 million and an extensive, super scientific matching service.

Eight million, I thought, wow - surely there will be a handful of potential partners for me there! Surely to goodness out of 8 million members there will be at least fifty that I would be a good match with. At least fifty - maybe even a hundred or two who would get me and understand the world as I do... Well, I thought, give it a go and see what happens.

So I filled out all the questionnaires (which took about three days!) completed my profile, uploaded my picture, then sat back and waited to meet my matches!

I was nervous. I was excited. It was kind of like going to your first dance at high school and waiting for a boy to ask you to dance. For about three days I waited not so patiently for the match results to show up in my inbox...

Finally, the awaited email arrived. There it was in my inbox just waiting for me to click it open.

I stared at it as a dozen thoughts swirled in my head... I'm finally going to meet someone who understands me... Finally, after all these years (yeah - I'm not 25 anymore...) I'm going to meet someone who is similar to me... I'm finally going to meet someone who will appreciate my uniqueness! OMG - it was all I could do to quell the herd of butterflies flapping away in my tummy...

I clicked open the email, clicked the link to my members' area, waited for the page to load (very slowly as my old pc couldn't handle the graphics)... closed my eyes, held my breath, opened one eye to take a peek... and presto, like cyber-magic, there was the list of possible matches for me!!

Yes - there it was!! All the years of wondering about my perfect match... what he would look like, if he would be witty and creative, if he loved chocolate and red wine as much as I do, did he have children also... where about to come to an end, I was about to be introduced to some of the 8 million members worldwide that I would likely click with. Yes-siree, there they were... all three of my matches...

Three...

All three conveniently located in one spot...

None had pictures, two lived in Europe, one lived in Eastern Canada.

With a slow, quiet sigh, the butterflies escaped.

Three. Out of 8 million. I mean even if you consider that half of those 8 million members were likely female and would have been disqualified on gender alone - that still leaves 4 million... Three out of 4 million - not especially good stats.

I closed my browser window. Closed my email. Shut down my computer.

I began to wondered if I was really that unique, or just utterly hopeless?

But I didn't want to get bogged down with that line of questioning in case I began to lean towards the hopeless vote, so I began to think of all the perks of the single life that I was embarking on: What movie to watch - My choice! What's for dinner - My choice! Hey - does this look good on me? - You Betcha Baby!! Hmmm, can we really afford this new car? - Absolutely darling - we could get two if we really wanted them! Wanna go for a drive to my mother's? - Absolutely! I just spent $1200 on four pairs of shoes - are we good with that? - Darling, we can do anything to keep our feet happy.

Shoes... mmmm. I began to feel much better!

April 7th, Victoria, BC - The Incredible Fraea

One afternoon last year as I was working away at my computer I heard some beautiful music lofting down the hall. I walked towards my daughter's room, and yes, that's where the music was coming from.

The song was gorgeous. The vocals, deep and soulful, were accompanied by a soft harmonious guitar.

I stood and listened for a few moments, then opened the door to ask my daughter what cd she was playing - and to my utter shock and amazement, I discovered that it was my daughter singing and playing guitar - not a cd...

To say that I was dumbfounded would be an immense understatement. I had no idea that she could sing (I am her mother - how could I not know this??!! hmmmm - I wonder what else she can do...).

My daughter's voice is sublime, and she's not bad on the guitar either. Her sound is unique, filled with soul, and buried deep within the melody she sings is the wisdom of someone three times her age with four life-times of experience.

Over the past year I have had the absolute pleasure and pride of hearing her sing frequently and a few months ago she participated in her first live show - a Tom Waits tribute at the Solstice Cafe. Her energy captured the room and held it tight, and she brought the house down with rolls of applause (seems I'm not the only one who thinks she has a pretty good voice - who'd believe me anyway... I am her mother after all ;o).

Fraea has been invited to perform as a guest in a local show here in Victoria next month. If you're in the area you can catch her performance, along with a few others, on April 7th at Camas Books, 2590 Quadra St., Victoria, BC. Door is at 6:30, tix by suggested donation of between $5 and $10.

Come on down - it promises to be yummy!

The Royal Flush

To flush or not to flush...

Years ago when living in a rural community I learned the art of flushing only when necessary. Yellow, no worries. More than yellow - flush. Saves water, better for your septic tank and field, so they tell me. And as I am a rather eco-friendly nut case, when I moved back to the city I considered whether I should continue in this manner.

The answer from the inner-me was a resounding YES!

So here I am back in the city with a new flushing agenda: A little yellow - let it sit. A lot yellow - flush. More than yellow - definitely flush. Company's coming - flush. The city folk are not yet on with this methodology and we certainly don't want to offend...

No, the city folk are not on with it - but they should be.

Flushing uses a lot of water, and we all know that clean water does not grow on trees. Imagine for a moment, if you will, just how much water would be saved if you only flushed every other time. Now imagine if all your neighbours did the same thing - how much water would be saved...

Imagine how much water would be saved if your entire community, city, or province employed the every second flush way of living. I don't need to tell you that that would be a lot of water saved (now don't ask me for figures and data - I'm just a concerned citizen, not a scientist... Just use your best judgment and common sense to get an idea of how much water would be conserved).

Now I am not suggesting that we do this in public restrooms - merely in the privacy of our own homes. And, yes, I can just hear some of you saying, Eeeewwwww - that's gross! Think of the germs... And to that I say - Hey, we're talking about a toilet. No one is going to be eating out of it (with the exception of your dog who might think it's a great water dish) or sticking their hands in it (I would hope!).

It's a toilet and there are going to be germs in it right after you clean it, as soon as someone goes pee.

It's just pee. I would bet there are more germs to be found in the fuzzy science projects that make their way to the very back of every North American fridge... and hey, that's where you keep your food... (eeewwwwww).

So how about it - ready to do a little good and conserve a lot of water? It's easy-peesie! If it's yellow - let it sit. More than yellow - flush :o)

Things I Can Now Do Which I Couldn't Do Last Year

Ok - I can eat toast for three meals a day. I can, if I decide to cook (which is extremely rare) eat my dinner right out of the pot that I cooked it in - save's on washing dishes (and water)!! (This is a very exciting development in my life and I have absolutely no idea why I didn't start doing this YEARS ago! (I mean can you imagine the ease of clean-up after family dinners!)).

I can also eat yogurt right out of the container. I live with a dog and a cat - who cares??! And if I really wanted to - I could drink the soy milk right out of the box!

You just don't do these things when you have kids in the house - these are the perks of the empty nest!

Let's see - what else... hmmmm. Ok, it's always my turn to decide what movie to watch, it's always my turn to use the computer!

And money - I swear someone is putting money in my wallet while I sleep... Life is so inexpensive all of a sudden with no one asking for ten bucks for this, twenty bucks for that, three hundred dollars for a ski trip, eighty bucks for runners... I could buy a new pair of shoes every week if I wanted to (omg - come to mama... you are so so cute! Do you have this in red too? And wrap up that little black patten number with the cute little kitten heel to keep them company...)

Ok, the adjustment is quite weird, and though I can't say I'm sad, exactly, at times I am a little lost.

But it's not a bad thing, this adjustment, it's just a little confusing at times. It's like losing your place in War and Peace, and trying to find it again 20 years later.

Life's a funny thing. It's a full thing, and nothing is left out. It's never boring, and you never really get used to it - but a journey well worth taking.

Ok - well, I'm off to day dream about what life will be like when I am a grandmother ;o)

And Suddenly, the House Was Empty...

My daughter, now almost 20, moved out of the house last year. This, of course, is natural, and to be expected, but if you are a single parent with only one child, the change in your life is so abrupt and immediate, and bizarre.

There is nothing you can do to prepare for it - even though you know it's coming. You think you're prepared, but you aren't.

The worst part for me was waiting for the door to open at night. I could never really fall asleep until I heard the door open and my daughter come in. Once I heard the lock turn, the door squeak open, then close, and the lock turn again, my world was right and I would drop off to sleep effortlessly.

Then suddenly, that would never happen again. Within a week of her departure from the nest, I knew that or the rest of my life, I would go to bed - and just go to bed. I became aware that there would be no waiting for the lock to turn, announcing the safe arrival of my daughter back home for the night.

There will also be no more meal planning, no stray laundry and other junk to collect from all corners of the house. No food stuck to the counter, no wet towels all over the bathroom floor...

Until it all comes to an abrupt stop, you have no idea that you will miss these things that once drove you batty.

And now, almost a year later, I find that I eat far too much toast, and if you were to inspect the contents of my compost bucket, you would think I survived solely on coffee and bananas (you'd never know about the toast, because I eat the crusts, leaving no evidence).

Life has changed so drastically. Where I used to buy all kinds of wonderful groceries and cook yummy creative meals and was fastidious about nutrition, baked cookies and banana bread... I now just make toast. If I do buy vegetables from time to time, they seem to rot in the fridge, as I forget about them completely. Besides, they are no good on toast.

And at this point, I find myself talking to the dog, and worse, expecting that he understands what I am saying. He's very understanding and supportive.

It's an adjustment, this empty nest. It's as strange as when I first had my daughter - when I suddenly became "Fraea's Mom". I was rarely called Morgana in almost 20 years - I was Fraea's Mom.

And though I am still Fraea's Mom - now I am Morgana again.

Morgana... It sounds odd when I say it and when I hear it. I wonder - who is this Morgana?

I know, of course, it's me... but who am I now? Who have I become now that the label in which I found the depth of my identity for 20 years, has shifted?

Hmmmm. I need to go make some toast and think about that.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Ok, Fraea hung a brass bell over the kitchen sink. I think it's for when the dog doesn't do the dishes - if I ring the bell, the dish fairy will come.

I'll give it a try.